Holiday Elves Keep Traditions Alive for Elderly

This weekend, my daughters, Theresa and Catherine, my mom and I made homemade ravioli for Thanksgiving. Ravioli are part of our Thanksgiving tradition, as is having some 30 family and friends for dinner. So no matter how busy we are, the ravioli get made.

Theresa, a sophomore at the University of Michigan, came home for the weekend to help get us in shape for Thursday. She and Catherine, my 16-year-old, not only took the lead in the kitchen, but they readied the basement for big table setting, which takes place Wednesday night and is an event in and of itself.

As the girls and I whirled around each other this weekend and Mom mostly sat and watched, I thought about when Mom's own frenetic holiday preparations began to wane.

It's almost 10 years since Mom made her last batch of Christmas cookies to send to our out-of-town siblings. This baking extravaganza took the better part of a week. Then there was the activity of packaging them up and taking them to UPS, which was Dad's job.

Too consumed in our own frenzied lives, my sisters and I didn't try very hard to convince her otherwise. In fact, we were almost relieved.

Not long after, Mom decided to forego "the manager," which was (is) her single most source of joy at Christmastime. Mom's manager was built over years. Beginning when I was in college, Mom bought more pieces every year until she amassed nearly 50 pieces. They are large and beautifully painted statuettes of the Mary, Joseph, baby Jesus, the three wisemen and their camels, shepherds, farm animals in various positions and an angel. She'd arrange them just so in front of an arrangement of poinsettas and evergreen branches. Strings of white lights lit up at night.

That's when my sister, Theresa, and I stepped in. The cookies we could give up. But the manager was a must.

The holidays are often the first thing to go when an elderly parent finds things getting too unmanageable. The decorations are limited, the baking is drastically reduced
and the shopping might stop altogether.

And when it does, there's always a little bit of joy that seems to get chipped away. But it doesn't need to be.

Personal and companion caregivers can become your parent's holiday helpers as well during this special time of year. Don't hesitate to ask your homecare agency about it.

At BrightStar, we're launching a special holiday preservation program called "Your Personal Elf" to help our elderly citizens keep their traditions alive for their families.

They can provide transportation and escort services to the shopping mall. They can help wrap gifts. They can grocery shop for baking ingredients and help with baking. They can help put up decorations.

We can do as much or as little as the family desires. We want our seniors to continue enjoying these important traditions for themselves as well as their families.

-- Anne Marie Gattari, president of BrightStar of Grosse Pointe / Southeast Macomb, can be reached at 586.279.3610; am.gattari@brightstarcare.com

Ageism and the Cane

Nov. 14, 2011

Last week, Fran Schonenberg, host of Services for Older Citizens' cable show, invited me on her show to discuss the sensitive topic of when an elderly citizen might need help in his or her home. Before the taping began, Fran and I were getting acquainted and she struck me as a perfect example of what it means to age successfully. www.socservices.org

Fran is vibrant and beautiful and fiercely independent. At 82, she cherishes her ability to do for herself and credits a regular fitness routine with keeping her strong and steady. She's been hosting the S.O.C. cable show at Grosse Pointe War Memorial for more than 20 years.

When I asked if she ever considered a walking aid as an extra precaution against falling, her face turned serious. "My friend says, 'Once you use a cane, people think you have no brain.'"

My heart sank. She's so right. How many times I've been in a restaurant with my mom and the waiter asked me for her order. Or we've been to one of my girl's dance performances and the usher asked me if the handicapped seating was sufficient.

There's still an argument between us before every outing over taking the wheelchair. "People think..." she says, and, rudely, I inevitably cut her off. "What do you care what people think. Would you rather not go out at all?"

Too often, she nods.

Despite her dementia and other health issues, Mom knows ageism. She's known it for a long time, and not until Fran put it to me so bluntly did I truly see the indignity of it all.

The pervasive stereotype is that the older person is a burden to society. As the cost of healthcare rages on and the aging boomer population gains momentum, this stereotype is likely to continue.

The best definition of ageism comes from Columbia University's International Longevity Center, which published one of the most extensive reports on the issue in 2006.  www.mailman.columbia.edu/academic-departments/centers/international-longevity-center/publications

"Ageism, the denial of basic human rights of older persons, is one of the most pervasive prejudices across human society. Although ageism is less acknowledged than racism or sexism, it is a harmful prejudice that negatively affects older Americans, who experience widespread mistreatment, ranging from stereotypic and degrading media images to physical and financial abuse, unequal treatment in the workforce, and denial of appropriate medical care and services."

Tangible age discrimination can be fought with the force of law -- and it is. But our personal attitudes toward aging are so insidious that they actually contribute to our parents putting themselves at risk by avoiding the use of necessary walking aids because they fear "what people will think."

What's so ironic, is that we're all headed there. Maybe that fact alone will help us all “think” a bit differently so our parents can use their canes without shame. And that’s just for starters.

Anne Marie Gattari, president of BrightStar of Grosse Pointe / Southeast Macomb, can be reached at am.gattari@brightstarcare.com; 586.279.3610; http://www.brightstarcare.com/grosse-pointesoutheast-macomb

Making the Day Cheerful

 

Everyone has favorite childhood memories. And for us adult children of parents with dementia, those memories are ever so precious.

Here’s one of mine: A bunch of little kids kneeling on high stools around the kitchen counter watching in awe as Mom scoops handfuls of flour and Crisco onto the bare counter top. Her hands are a flurry of activity, patting the ingredients into a mountain, making a crater into which she pours the milk, pushing it this way and that until she has a perfect consistency ready for rolling out. Every once and a while, the milk would break through a crack in the dough mountain and make a little white river along the counter top.

Mom was a baker like none other. Apple pie, lemon meringue pie, banana cake, banana nut bread, cinnamon rolls, biscotti, cannoli – all from scratch. All made and consumed so fast, the mixer never was put away.

So I had the idea over the past few weeks that Mom would enjoy baking with her new caregivers as she settled into my home. I set out the ingredients for apple pie on Suzie’s day. I left Mom’s handwritten recipe for Italian Biscotti on Shanai’s day. And when Mariah came on Saturday, I pulled out the Cocoa can and suggested chocolate cake.

“Let Mom guide you through the recipe,” I told each caregiver. “I’d like to see how she does.”
The girls welcomed the task and agreed it was a good way to engage Mom in a familiar activity – and get her away from the TV.

Companion care in the home should do just that for the elderly. Whether they have dementia or not, their day should be interesting, cheerful and satisfying. BrightStar caregivers are trained to learn about their clients and develop activity plans that complements the plan of care developed by our Registered Nurse.

“Be a detective,” I tell my caregivers. “Find out what puts a twinkle in their eye.”

Knowing a person’s hobbies and interests and what they were during their worklife, gives the caregiver an important set of “tools” to take their care to the next level. After assisting with necessary daily activities (bathing, dressing, toileting), the best caregivers become creativity coaches.

Mariah suggested a soft ball and play dough for a client who is afraid to leave her wheelchair for fear of falling — again. By gently tossing the ball back and forth, the client is beginning to build confidence and has since taken a few steps with her walker.

Faye made a tiny pillow out of military-printed fleece for her dementia client, a former Marine in WWII, who loves to hold and rub the soft fabric as he tells her his war stories.

With Mom, it had to be baking. And baking it is. The apple pie, the Italian cookies, the cake — all from scratch, all made from memory — looked a tad different than the picture-perfect desserts Mom used to make.

But they tasted exactly the same, and Mom was proud to serve them to us. In my book, that is what caring for the elderly is all about.

-- Anne Marie Gattari, 586.279.3610. am.gattari@brightstarcare.com; http://www.brightstarcare.com/grosse-pointesoutheast-macomb