Sounds like the stuff of a made-for-TV drama: rich family fights tooth and nail for the riches of their deceased parents. I assumed it wouldn’t apply to my family’s experience after Dad died last year. There was drama alright, but no money.
But author Mark Acceturra says my experience is more common than you’d think. “It rarely is about money. It’s more about control.”
Mark is an elder law attorney who has been helping families plan their estates, administer their trusts and resolve difficult family disputes for more than 30 years. “Blood & Money” is his fifth book. (248-848-9409 www.elderlawmi.com)
I visited Mark in his Royal Oak office earlier this month to learn more about his services and tell him about my new home care agency. BrightStar of Grosse Pointe / Southeast Macomb will open August 1, providing care to seniors, children and the disabled in their own homes.
As he talked about the dysfunctional dynamics that often erupt among siblings upon a parent’s death, I cringed. I thought about the arguments, the accusations, the ugliness between my sisters and me in the days following Dad’s funeral last year, and I wanted to cry. We argued as we cleaned Dad’s room, often turning off the vacuum cleaner to make a point. We argued as we packed away Dad’s clothes for the Salvation Army. We argued as we tried to plan what comes next for Mom, for us.
“What appears as greed and pettiness is really a symptom of the survivors' struggle to feel loved and important,” Mark explained. “The fight for money and things - Dad's watch, Mom's wedding ring - is not about the object or the money itself, but about what they symbolize: importance, love, security, self-esteem, connectedness, and immortality.”
That’s it. Feeling loved and important. Dad was a good man with a big heart. But he was simply ill-equipped to father such a large family. His answer to everything was work. He owned several small meat markets on Detroit’s eastside over the years and spent more time with his customers than his 10 kids.
Attorneys like Mark understand that settling the tangibles of inheritance is the easy part. In his book, Mark sets out to explain the psychology behind why siblings fight at this tender time in life and offers a guide to families and their lawyers to help them prevent what he calls “family-splitting inheritance disputes.”
“It’s a mistake to dismiss the quarreling heirs as simply greedy or petty,” Mark says. “I try to go beyond and to understand why families do vicious combat even while they are still joined in grieving.”
Feeling loved and important. As most of my siblings, I did my fair share of battle with Dad over the years. But never, ever did I doubt his love. And no one made me feel more important. (A side story: about six weeks before he died, I went to pick up Dad from the rehab center for a dentist appointment. I tried to be discreet as I approached the social circle of about 20 elderly residents taking turns sharing their stories. As I disengaged the brakes of his wheel chair and quietly backed him out of the circle, he held up his hand to the group. “Hey, everyone. This is my daughter, Anne Marie.” I smiled at the group and tried to keep moving. But then, they stopped me in my tracks. They started to applaud. Dad was grinning ear to ear.)
My family’s dispute after Dad died was about who would hold power of attorney over Mom’s matters – both medical and financial. In 1984, Dad and Mom entrusted me with that responsibility for each of them. In the ensuing years, my parents assumed that “that was that” and nothing could be – or would be – challenged.
Now, my sisters convinced Mom that the legal documents should be re-drawn with the responsibility shared. When I balked, they latched out: “Why should it be just you? Why is it always you!”
As I think about what transpired over the days and weeks following the funeral, I could throw the biggest pity party ever. How could they be so cruel? How could they be so, so … You get the idea.
But truthfully, I have no cause for self-pity. In fact, I realize now, as hard as it is to admit, my sisters were right to question things.
In the process of writing his book, Mark did considerable research in social psychology, gerontology and neuropsychology, interviewing experts in each discipline.
Perhaps if we had been counseled by an attorney like Mark before Dad’s death and Mom’s progressing dementia, we would have been able to have a rationale family discussion with real direction from our parents. After all, that’s who this is all about.
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